Being at peace with me, or something like that?

So it’s been a while since I wrote anything, and I guess I just haven’t had that much to say, or anything that really seems relevant. In fact, the past 18 months have been really tough and in many aspects I feel that I have been fighting my own inner demons, you know the ones that are part of your “default settings” and you seem to battle them more than you should, maybe you don’t … that may just be me?


So the holiday season has come and gone, and it was better for me than expected, and not because I planned it well, or was lucky or smart, nope nothing like that. I woke up on the 26th of December and just decided I needed to mix things up, as current status quo just was not working for me in some big life areas, some of these areas I was ignoring because they were too painful to accept or deal with, some of them were just pure stubbornness.


Time to man up, take ownership and be responsible. Listen, if you know me that may seem bizarre as I have a wife and 4 amazing kids and am a partner in a successful business, some of that requires the ownership and responsibility thing in place, yup I hear you. These are not the areas I felt needed to change, rather my “default settings” needed a reboot and some reprogramming. I am not even sure how these things change, but I know step one is to acknowledge them and then take responsibility for them … instead of deny and ignore.


So my self-destructive, over-driven approach to the bad things in my life needs to change. I need to change my thinking on areas that I seldom talk about, and it’s time to lay them down … I am done carrying them! So here goes some of them, work in process about covers it:


  • No more being angry with my father! For many years growing up I felt like the second-rate son, least favorite … he did his best for me and life is not always as simple as I would like it to be. He loves me and has always provided for me, I have never lacked for anything. Now that I have my own little people I see so much more of the complexity in life … I guess my overwhelming desire for acceptance from my father has created the rift as I never felt that I was good enough … I now know for myself I am! Something he told me many years ago I needed to understand … thanks dad … I get it now! Better late than never huh.
  • No more abuse of money! I always felt that my father loved money more than me, as he seemed to put more energy and time into his career than he did me, his eldest son. My response was to abuse money, and that was my rather immature response to what I perceived his priority to be!
  • So I grew up very insecure, and searching for acceptance from my father, that’s how sons, in particular are wired. I have built myself to not need people, well directly anyway, but rather solicit attention, envy and praise from people for having the coolest of material things, always the latest tech, bicycles, cars etc … it’s an empty pit that takes more money than I will ever make, and to be quite honest so much time and mental effort as well. I am over it … I am more than happy with what I have, to be honest I have more than I need.
  • My darling golden boy brother, I love the guy to bits … now! It has not always been that way, actually so much of the animosity that existed between my brother and I was that I was jealous of the relationship that he had with my father, and that in turn got him responsibility and access to times with my father that I was just really jealous of. My brother and I speak a lot, a whole lot and that’s been part of the healing process for us. No secrets, nothing hidden in the dark … now we are best of mates, as it should be with brothers!


So I am writing these things partly for my own personal healing, partly for other people in my life to read and hold me accountable to, after all being honest with yourself is the start of the journey to true change.  I am good with me and I like spending time with me. I am not perfect and I will also never be, this I know all too well, but I accept me, I like me. I will make more mistakes, and I can’t control what happens in life going forward, but I can choose to do the right things, have the right attitudes and work at being a better me, every day. That in turn translates to me being a better son, husband, father and friend. It’s time to grow up and be a man, be the kind of man who my wife wants in her life and trusts completely in every aspect, be the kind of dad that my Father is proud of, the kind of man who sets the standard in the right place for the men my daughters will choose as their life partners … yes it is a lot of responsibility and rather scary, but this is my journey and I am owning it.


To my wife, you are just incredible! I can’t really put into words what I feel right now, just know that every part of me loves every part of you, yesterday, today and tomorrow. It’s time for us to really start living and thriving in all areas of our journey together.


To my 4 incredible daughters, the best times of my life are when you are near me, I pray that we have many fun and crazy years to come as a family left. Mom and I will be at your side come thick or thin, pick you up when you fall and make it all better.


To my dad, I love you! Simple as that, I know the past has been turbulent and I have said and done many things that have hurt you very deeply, and I can’t take them back. I wish I could, but life does not work that way … please forgive me for them. We still have time and that is all that matters to me, let’s have some fun and build some new memories. I know that’s what you also want, as do I.


To my brother, Stephen Webb, punk ass … love you!


To everyone else, if you read all the way to here, thank you. Not sure it makes sense to you, it sure does to me and it’s a personal journey.


That’s all I got for now, later, David